I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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