I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Who died my cat blue again?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
