I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.