Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.