he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
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ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
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HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.