the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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