I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
