I must be too annoying 4 u.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
