You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
God, I missed his penis.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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