At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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