i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
