woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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