awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
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He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
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Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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