when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
