Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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