just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
