you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
