thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
