the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
