he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
