I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
