i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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