I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
