ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
