I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
