i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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