So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
