I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
