I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
