Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
