Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
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Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
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He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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