dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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