I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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