woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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