Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
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It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
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So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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