i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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