it hurts more in the daytime
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
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There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Found the puke drawer
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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