I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Randomize
