There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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