What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
The beer is more important than you right now.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
