so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
