apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Randomize
