do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
