that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
