you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
