put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
