Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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