He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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