??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
