my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
