Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
