my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
