I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
