can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My dick has a subreddit
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
