I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions