It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
