she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
