i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
