I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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