Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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