I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
