do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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